Stevens in the States

I only went to get a dog gate. I was dog sitting for the weekend and was worn out. A dog gate would allow me to partition a room off - not for the dog to be stuck in, but for me! That way he could see me through the gate, and hopefully not whine. He doesn't like to be ignored.

So we leapt in the car. At least, he did, literally. With him in the back and me in the front we went searching for a pet store. Of course, the logical thought would have been to look one up before leaving, but by that point I just had to leave the house.

We drove. Here. There. Everywhere. Through the drivethru. Via Blockbuster. Up 75. Along NW Highway. And finally, on the other side of the road, across a mere 12 lanes of traffic, there it was - Petsmart.

Dog stayed in the car, and I went in. A simple plan - get a gate, pay for it, leave.

But you go in, and there's a parallel world in there! It's like being in The Truman Show, except half the cast have twice the legs. At the front of the store, animal behaviour classes. Posh SMU girls with dogs-that-fit-in-handbags, standing in straight lines. It was as if the animals were about to participate in synchronised shitting.

And at the back, a full grooming parlour. Large dogs standing regally on tables which women dressed in white shaved them of their protective lairs. Animal and employee both know the drill - behave well, do a good job, and you'll be rewarded handsomely by the owner.

Down the middle of the store, the latest guests at the local animal welfare. Cats and dogs, politely sitting, hoping that the next victim of the emotional pull will point at them and take them away to a home that doesn't involve living in a cage with 50 other animals while the newest recruits insist on howling through the night. And day.

All around, things for animals that I didn't know had been invented. Including Doggy Diapers. They scared me a bit. So I bought a dog gate (from the choice of many) and a stuffed hedgehog, who rather confusingly, makes a quacking noise when you squeeze it.

I returned to the car, and more importantly, to the real world.




Six hours later - the hedgehog was in at least 20 pieces across the lounge, and the gate was trying to protect me long enough to get a few hours sleep. It snapped 3 days later.