Stevens in the States

I only went to get a dog gate. I was dog sitting for the weekend and was worn out. A dog gate would allow me to partition a room off - not for the dog to be stuck in, but for me! That way he could see me through the gate, and hopefully not whine. He doesn't like to be ignored.

So we leapt in the car. At least, he did, literally. With him in the back and me in the front we went searching for a pet store. Of course, the logical thought would have been to look one up before leaving, but by that point I just had to leave the house.

We drove. Here. There. Everywhere. Through the drivethru. Via Blockbuster. Up 75. Along NW Highway. And finally, on the other side of the road, across a mere 12 lanes of traffic, there it was - Petsmart.

Dog stayed in the car, and I went in. A simple plan - get a gate, pay for it, leave.

But you go in, and there's a parallel world in there! It's like being in The Truman Show, except half the cast have twice the legs. At the front of the store, animal behaviour classes. Posh SMU girls with dogs-that-fit-in-handbags, standing in straight lines. It was as if the animals were about to participate in synchronised shitting.

And at the back, a full grooming parlour. Large dogs standing regally on tables which women dressed in white shaved them of their protective lairs. Animal and employee both know the drill - behave well, do a good job, and you'll be rewarded handsomely by the owner.

Down the middle of the store, the latest guests at the local animal welfare. Cats and dogs, politely sitting, hoping that the next victim of the emotional pull will point at them and take them away to a home that doesn't involve living in a cage with 50 other animals while the newest recruits insist on howling through the night. And day.

All around, things for animals that I didn't know had been invented. Including Doggy Diapers. They scared me a bit. So I bought a dog gate (from the choice of many) and a stuffed hedgehog, who rather confusingly, makes a quacking noise when you squeeze it.

I returned to the car, and more importantly, to the real world.




Six hours later - the hedgehog was in at least 20 pieces across the lounge, and the gate was trying to protect me long enough to get a few hours sleep. It snapped 3 days later.

Driving to work, listening to the radio, the sun is shining and there's a blue sky. I've been here for 18 months, so by now I know the route backwards. By leaving at 9am and taking the back roads through to I35, I know the journey will be no longer than 30 minutes.

They're talking about NHL Hockey on the radio. It's amusing enough, but I don't really understand the fine details. A bus was stopping at the rail roads, an 18 wheeler at the previous junction held up one lane so I could zip round on the other. A normal morning, just like all the others.

I'm one road away from work. Relaxed. Looking forward to creating some fun stuff. Looking forward to eating the croissant I bought from 7-11 on the way in.

Then, it happens.

A pick-up truck pulls out of a parking lot at the side of the road. I'm probably doing 40 miles an hour, and he pulls straight out, no more than 20 metres ahead of me. Shit.

I slam on the brakes, but clearly I'm not going to stop in time. I realise this as I'm ploughing towards his bonnet and driver's door.

Time for evasive action. The rest of the road is empty, so I turn hard left. I screech as my Explorer makes a move that most circus dancers would be proud of. The tyres screech, the stuff in the car goes flying, I still can't stop in time and he's still driving forwards, while beeping his horn. Like his horn's going to help us now.

The sharp turn is very sharp. Sharp enough to get my past the front of his truck, although by this time we're both on the far side of the road. Sharp enough to simulate rally driving. The combination of turning, braking, skidding and manouvring means I end up in the front lot of another business on the far side of the road.

But, I didn't hit him, and he didn't he me.

He stops. I stop. We both sit there, wondering what to do next. I turn round and pull behind him and get out.

"Man, I didn't see you there as I was pulling out - vision is really bad on that turning, and you were coming so fast."

Never mind. No vehicle was hurt, no person was injured. We went our separate ways, thankful that the road was empty, the weather was good and no-one got hurt.

I'm sitting here, shaking like a leaf now though.